Forgivness, Resenment and Nigerian Parents.

On Sunday the 11th of December, I logged into my Twitter after church with the intention of talking about another amazing service at The WaterBrook Church.

I logged in expecting to see my followers gushing about their Sunday service experience, but instead I met a timeline filled with painful stories and memories.

I’m not sure how it started, but over the course of 3 hours, young Nigerians had taken to Twitter to talk about how their parents had disciplined and punished during their younger years.

Some of the experiences, albeit painful, were told with a trace of humor, as if encouraging the readers to understand that they, the writers, had moved on and were no longer holding their parents responsible for their actions.

Most of the experiences were borderline abusive, and at some point, I wondered how anyone’s parent could be so hard and wicked.

Then I remembered I had similar stories growing up.

Both my parents were disciplinarians. As far back as I can remember, I feared my parent’s wrath and fierce anger. When I was younger, I worked very hard to be obedient and to follow their rules. My siblings and I walked on eggshells around the house. We never challenged our parents and we never talked back. If they accused us of doing something wrong, we would simply nod and take the punishment, even though we were almost always innocent of the accused crime.

My parents were strong supporters of the infamous bible verse: spare the rod or spare the child.

My parents responded to difficult and stressful situations with anger.

If my siblings and I did anything that caused my parents any type of displeasure or anger, we were beaten; we were beaten with canes, wires, shoes, and on a very rare and painful occasion, my brother and I were beaten with shower rods.

I could go into more details but that is not the point of this article.

The point of this article is to highlight the importance of forgiving our deeply flawed and imperfect parents. It took me almost 10 years to get to the point where I let go of every hurt I experienced while I was growing up with my parents.

I was fortunate enough to go to college outside of Nigeria; I enjoyed being away from home but I dreaded coming back for the long holidays. I held so much resentment and bitterness towards my parents. I couldn’t talk to them, and in the rare moments they tried to talk to me, I was defensive and hard hearted.

As far as I was concerned, my parents had raised me to be a difficult and angry woman.

It was their fault that I couldn’t hug them or say ‘I love you’ to my siblings.

It was their fault that I couldn’t respond to criticism properly.

It was their fault that I was emotionally broken.

I blamed them for everything that was wrong with me, but now I understand my shortcomings were as much my fault as it was theirs.

Our parents can be difficult, but as their children, we have to learn their triggers and respond to said triggers with love. If we respond with anger, it takes us nowhere.

Most of us have parents who have never let us express ourselves emotionally, and because of this, we grew up bottling our feelings. We have carried the shame of never being allowed to express ourselves into our adult relationships and friendships.

I carried this same resentment towards my parents, but as I grew closer to God, in the past year, I realized I was living in darkness.

John 8:12: Light shines in the darkness and the darkness could not overcome.

It is a fact that the darkness in our hearts can never overwhelm God’s light and presence. However, we have been called to be the light that shines in the world. So how can we be light when we are deliberately choosing to be unforgiving and resentful?

How can we honor our parents when we call them hurtful names in our heads?

How can we operate in God’s light when we are still holding onto to the pain we experienced in our childhood? I’m not here to preach — I am merely here to plant a seed: forgive your parents and let go of the pain they caused you while you were growing up.

When you take the time to forgive and release yourself from the bondage of resentment, you will see your parents in a different light. You will take the time to understand them and learn their behaviors. You will learn how to deal with them when they’re being difficult. You will learn not to be easily offended. You will drop your defensive nature.

In addition to working closely with God to heal your inward self, you will need to pray for peace and love to exist in your home.

At the end of a particularly emotionally draining conversation with my mom, I would go to God and ask him why he was putting through this pain.

I would scream and ask what lesson I was supposed to be learning in the midst of it all.

I didn’t understand that God was building my capacity. That he was teaching me how to change my prayer language. After a while, I stopped asking God why he was allowing to me suffer and began to pray for peace in the house. I only realized a few days ago that God answered my prayers. I had to be patient and steadfast, but I can feel the difference. My parents will not change overnight but I know God is working in our home.

Praying and growing close to God are not the only steps you can take on the road to forgiveness. I also recommend counseling and therapy.

I spoke to a wonderful therapist earlier this year who helped me see my childhood from a different perspective. She’s a Christian as well and it was very clear that she receives a lot of guidance from God before she goes into a season. She asked me to write down a list of traits and characteristics that I admired and disliked about my parents. She assured me that I would have more positives than negatives — I’ll be honest, I did not believe her but she ended up being right. Writing the list was the easiest part of our discussion. She also encouraged me to remain dutiful and faithful in my role as a daughter — this was the hardest part but it was necessary.

Forgiving your parents will not be an easy task; be prepared for frustrating moments and days where you want to scream at the top of your lungs until your voice breaks. But please know it is a decision you will never regret.